Sum Up 2018


It's been a year since my last blog post. Today, December 24, to the end of 2018. If you ask me how was my 2018, I would say it is full of colors. Shine and dark. I've been through it.

I move to KL for work. Create my own life here. Independent. Far from my family. And yes that is me since I finished my school. Muadzam Shah, Sabah and now Kuala Lumpur. My career was quite good even until now, I'm still working here. Such a beautiful working environment. My seniors and colleague are quite good eventho I'm the first Malay working in this company. They welcoming me very well. They treat me professionally. Alhamdulillah.

Apart from working, my relationship going upside down. We are fine, until I came here in KL. It started to feel a bit hard, since we are getting miles far away. LDR is shitty hard. Like legit! Early January, he confessed. He's being unfaithful to me. He cheated me. He was in love with another girl other than me. He apologized. And I accept.

The story look simple, but to feel it, to be through it, definitely hard for me. However, my thought was, he knows what he's doing. He knows that it is totally wrong to love two person at one time. He knows we are getting closer to marriage. That's why he confront. I'm blessed that he's being honest after all the things happens. That's why I accept his apology. No one knows, even my parents and my closest friends. I've survive. I've been through it alone.

We are engaged in June, and are planing to get married a year after. But our relationship getting harder and harder. He keep losing trust in me. I keep wondering why. Is it me who being unfaithful along our journey? I had no idea what is the wrong am I doing until he became a totally different from the man I used to know three years back.

We are struggling. But hard to understand each others life. It's getting complicated. Getting worse. I was thinking, oh ini lah kot yang dinamakan ujian semasa bertunang. Macam tsunami. A month after engagement, things goes harder. Like no trust either. He's being too insecure whenever I go out with my friends. I could say we always fight every time I go out with them. Too much arguments, too much disappointment. Is it getting engaged with someone means I need to lose every of my friends? Day to day, the same things keep repeating until the climax on August.

The same thing, I had a dinner with my friends, and then we fight again. The next day, I saw him going on a date with a girl, and her family. It's totally break my heart. I've lost my mind, what should I do. Is he is the right man that Allah gives me?

I couldn't tell every single thing happens coz it hurts me really hard. I'm being "tergantung tanpa jawapan" for about a month. We lost contact. Until the day I've decided to return the ring. Then he comes back. But it's not working. I've decided. Istikhrah, solat hajat, ask for parents and family opinion. The ring returned. And we are officially break up.

It was really hard for me to move on. It's not that I'm still hoping for him to return, but you know, I've spent all of my life just for him. We are used to wish good morning, selamat bekerja sayang, good night have a sweet dreams, like every single day. I'm used to it. Dah terbiasa. But when we break up, thing has changed. No more wishes. No more overnight call. It's hard. I pray a lot so Allah give me all the strength. My parents and family, like every single day give me support. My friends also. Everyone around me keep praying for my strength and happiness.

Three months after break up, then i think I have fully recovered. I felt nothing other than happiness. I feel stronger than before. I feel bless that Allah has saved me from a wrong guy. It is the answer for my everyday doa "Ya Allah, jika dia benar jodohku, kau permudahkanlah perjalanan kami menuju ke alam perkahwinan. Jika dia bukan jodoh yang terbaik yang sudah tertulis buatku, Engkau jauhkanlah kami dgn sebaik baik cara, dgn cara Engkau menjaga kedua-dua hati kami, kedua ibu bapa kami dan ahli keluarga kami" And the answer is this. We are not meant to be together. It was awesome knowing him and his lovely family, but it is takdir, we have to accept. Be positive. Allah has kept the best gift for all of us. It is not that, dia jahat tak patut buat aku macam ni. Or aku yang jahat, padan muka kena dipermainkan lelaki. No. Every single thing happens for a reason. And the reason fit the best for us. Open our heart, and accept it. No more hate, no more tears. I'm blessed. And now, I found myself happier than before. I feel stronger, more independent.

I wish who ever have been in this kind of situation, keep your mind positive. I understand it is really hard. People can say anything, but only us that feel it. Only us that going through it, day by day. But believe me, this is the gift from the universe. Making us better than yesterday. Always pray for the best. Allah listened to you. He answer it in the perfect time. Be grateful for everything happens. We are stronger than we think.

This is my Sarawakian family. We went to a weekend getaway at Cameron.

My cousins

This is the very last month of 2018. I'm feeling a bit emotional, since my very close friend is getting a major operation. 7 hours in operating theater, my heart beats really fast. My mouth keep praying for her. She shows a good feedback. Started to stand slowly two days after the operation. I missed her really crazy. I want to hug her. I want her to be strong. We can't share the pain but I'm hoping that you will getting better really soon.

This is her. We don't share the same blood, but we share the same soul

A very long story to sum up in just one blog entry. I just want to share with you guys. It makes me feel much better.